The Bemusement Park

2003-06-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

GONE WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING

It's happened; I've relocated this site. Click here to visit markhasty.com. This site will remain up as an archive/emergency backup blog, but otherwise, all the content will be at the new site.

2003-06-11T21:32:00.000-05:00

VH1 BACKWASH UPDATE

Dylan Wilbanks and I are jointly crafting our own list of the 100 greatest songs of the past 25 years. Look for the list on one or both of our blogs in the next few days.

Speaking of the next few days, the move for this site is now imminent, like maybe even next-24-hours imminent. Stay tuned . . .

2003-06-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

IN WHICH A LONE BLOGGER ATTEMPTS TO COMMENT ON AN ENTIRE VH1 TOP 100 LIST
(in a single post, no less)

VH1 recently released its list of the Top 100 Songs of the Past 25 Years. These lists are always absolute death, but it's a known fact that I'll watch VH1's Top 100 anything. I'd watch their Top 100 Philadelphia-Area Convenience Stores if they made it. Now, foolishly, I'm going to comment on 99% of these songs, since there's only one I've never heard. The asterisks indicate what I think are the ten most ridiculous choices on this list, and believe me, it was a struggle to narrow it down to ten.

100) Madonna - Ray Of Light Yes, this is probably the only Madonna song of the past few years that didn't make me long for the days when she was pumping out candyfloss like "Holiday."
99) Norah Jones - Don’t Know Why She's good, but she's still a Flavor of the Month. This song wouldn't even make my top 100 of the last five years, though.
98) Hanson - MMMBop I like it, and I think it's in about the right place.
97) Devo - Whip It Mmmm . . . no. Weird Al does a better Devo than Devo does.
*96) Beastie Boys - (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!) This isn't even close to being the best Beastie Boys song. This song did for rap what Tim Floyd did for the Chicago Bulls.
95) Oasis - Wonderwall I'm glad Oasis has faded to the point where they can only place one song on this list, and nobody seriously compares them to the Beatles anymore. Why? Because it raises the still, small hope that someday they'll be forgotten completely.
94) Cheap Trick - Surrender Way underrated--interesting subject matter (a kid whose parents are far hipper than he is) wrapped up in big juicy pop hooks.
93) Nine Inch Nails - Closer "Piggies" would have been a better choice.
92) Salt 'N Pepa - Push It There's really nothing enduring about this song, but whatever.
91) Melissa Etheridge - Come To My Window It's an OK song, but I don't think it belongs on this list.

90) The Police - Roxanne I am so very, very sick and tired of this miserable, overworked piece of garbage.
89) Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot If they had to pick a song by a woman for the very early 80s, why not something (else) by Joan Jett? Or Chrissie Hynde?
88) Metallica - Enter Sandman Proof that, whoever VH1 got to vote on this list, none of them owned any Metallica albums made before 1990.
87) The Who - Who Are You Just sneaks in under the wire, but I wouldn't have voted for it.
86) Tracy Chapman - Fast Car Good choice, what else is there to say?
85) Eminem - My Name Is Well, this isn't the last Eminem song on the list. Can't say I care for it, though.
84) Radiohead - Creep They've got many better songs, but the feelings are universal, and that major-to-minor chord shift gets me every time. I totally did not understand this song the first time I heard it; I couldn't figure out why they ruined a pretty song with that buzzsaw guitar. But now I realize it's perfectly evocative of the experience of rejection. "Creep" has become a real favorite of mine. But "Vegetable" off the same album is a better song.
83) Band Aid - Do They Know It’s Christmas I can't even begin to tell you how bad I think this song is. The very definition of the term "overwritten."
82) Soft Cell - Tainted Love This is a remake of a 60s song. It shouldn't even be on this list!
81) OutKast - Ms. Jackson This is the one song I haven't heard. Therefore, by definition, it can't be one of the 100 greatest of the last 25 years.

*80) Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf I used to love them, but sweet merciful crap, Duran Duran are a bunch of no-talent disco hacks.
79) Destiny’s Child - Say My Name Again, not a favorite, but it probably reflects its genre well.
*78) Green Day - Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) Hey, here's a thought: Let's pick a song by an influential artist which is totally unrepresentative of their body of work! Yeah! A hardcore punk band with strings! Wow, I can't wait for that 10,000 Maniacs Covers The Rollins Band CD . . .
77) Missy Elliott - Work It Missy Elliot is a totally underrated songwriter.
76) Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) It was a good video, but as a song? It has a nice bass line.
75) The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated Cool that the Ramones made this list before all the original members died, but again, this isn't their best work.
74) Hall & Oates - I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do) I'm cool with H&O (I love the Philly sound), but "Say It Isn't So" would have been my pick.
73) L.L. Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out If Public Enemy hadn't made the list, I'd tell you that LL Cool J is just a notch above Young MC and had no business being here. Oh well, at least Will Smith isn't on this list.
72) John Lennon - (Just Like) Starting Over Sentimental favorite, I guess, but how Lennon makes the list and Elvis Costello doesn't is beyond me.
71) Dave Matthews Band- Crash Into Me Yawn. They've done better.

70) Culture Club - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me You know what? I think I agree.
69) Mary J. Blige - Real Love I'm not into recent R&B, but she can sing. I've heard this song maybe twice--much less than most of the other songs on this list.
68) Chic - Good Times "Le Freak" was better, but they didn't ask me.
67) John Cougar Mellencamp - Jack And Diane No, no, no. I'm of the "Mellencamp is a genius" school, but this song is not good.
66) Squeeze - Tempted Catchy. I wandered around the house singing this song for a couple days earlier this week.
65) Nelly - Hot In Herre 14:59 and counting. And learn to spell.
64) The Knack - My Sharona Oh, good gracious, no. This song is a musical hate crime.
63) Beck - Loser Certainly hasn't stood the test of time very well, has it?
62) Pretenders - Brass In Pocket What a great injustice. Chrissie Hynde only makes this list once, and it's not for "Kid" or "Back on the Chain Gang"? Farcical.
61) Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way I've copped to having a fondness for this song before, so I cannot but agree with its placement here.

60) Santana feat Rob Thomas - Smooth You know, it's funny--if you read the liner notes to "Supernatural," it's pretty clear that Carlos Santana didn't/doesn't think much of Rob Thomas. The guy wound up making Carlos a ton of money, though, so maybe he feels differently now?
*59) Meat Loaf-Paradise By The Dashboard Light Preposterous selection. If you had to pick a Meat Loaf song, "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" would have been a better choice; if you had to pick a Jim Steinman composition, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is ten times the song this bathetic "Rocky Horror Picture Show" reject is.
58) The Notorious B.I.G. feat. Puff Daddy & Mase- Mo Money Mo Problems I'm not the biggest rap guy in the world, but I do like this song.
57) Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven I did like this song, the first 9 million times I heard it. Eric Clapton Unplugged, though, is the Frampton Comes Alive of the 90s--it's become a total cliche of a bygone era.
56) Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do . . . is never, ever hear this song again.
55) Talking Heads - Once In A Lifetime Is this really a song? I mean, it's great, but it's a bass line with recitation.
54) Goo Goo Dolls - Iris Another song that's probably good, but I'm sick to death of it.
53) Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing Yeah, Marvin belongs on the list.
52) The Rolling Stones - Start Me Up Gee! Let's pretend it's always going to be 1972! The Stones are a fraud; they ceased to be the greatest rock band in the world sometime around 1974 and are surrently outperformed by any number of Holiday Inn lounge acts.
*51) George Michael - Faith Erm . . . no.

50) Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way? No, I'm not.
49) Journey - Don’t Stop Believin’ They picked this dreadful tune over "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)"? This really is a VH1 list, I guess. Anybody who (like me) ever owned the Journey Atari cartridge has a deep, abiding hatred for "Don't Stop Believin'".
48) Naughty By Nature - O.P.P. So they picked a raunchy, one-hit-wonder rap tune and it wasn't "Baby Got Back"? Asinine.
47) Shania Twain - You’re Still The One I actually like her current song, "Forever and For Always." It says essentially the same thing, but isn't an overwrought, overproduced, cynical attempt to corner the anniversary-present market like "You're Still the One" is.
46) Queen and David Bowie - Under Pressure Great performance. Not really a great song, if only because it's indirectly responsible for giving us Vanilla Ice.
*45) Aerosmith -I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing There's schlock, and then there's this song. Does anybody really think this is the best thing Aerosmith's done since 1978?
44) Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive Yes, and so will this steaming pile of disco vomit. After the end of the world, the only things left will be cockroaches, AOL disks, and "I Will Survive."
43) The Go-Go’s - Our Lips Are Sealed At least the voters realized that "We Got the Beat" was a dreadful song. Now, could you tell the radio stations?
42) Blondie - Heart Of Glass Again, not even close to the best Blondie song. I'd have picked "The Tide Is High," which is always a crowdpleaser no matter who sings it.
41) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge You either love this song or hate it. But you can sing along and sound just as good as Anthony Kiedis! Still, put me in the "love it" column--there's something eerie and unsettling about this song that always connects with me every time I hear it.

40) Michael Jackson - Beat It This isn't even the second-best song on Thriller. Try again, VH1.
39) Tom Petty - Free Fallin’ Another song anybody can sing as well as the original artist! And everybody who's owned a guitar longer than six weeks can play it, too.
38) The Clash - London Calling Eh, maybe.
*37) Alicia Keys - Fallin’ No, no, a thousand times, no. It's like nobody ever heard the blues before this song came out or something. Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason" would have been a far, far better choice.
36) Joan Jett - I Love Rock ‘N Roll A little underrated at #36, but apparently it's not yet kosher to be a Woman Who Rocks in the mind of VH1's voters.
35) The Sugarhill Gang - Rapper’s Delight Nobody can argue that this is truly a great song, but it's certainly a significant one.
34) Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes "Solsbury Hill" is one year too old for this list--it came out in '77. Therefore, the last interesting thing Peter Gabriel ever did couldn't be considered. So they put this preening cow flop on the list instead. I'm guessing that's how it went, anyways . . .
33) Tina Turner - What’s Love Got To Do With It It wouldn't make my list, but I know why it's here.
32) Pearl Jam - Jeremy This might be my pick for #1--one of the most nearly perfect rock songs ever.
31) Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg - Nuthin’ But A “G” Thang The epitome of cool.

30) Janet Jackson - Nasty I thought "Come Back to Me" was a better song, but again, they didn't ask me.
29) Bruce Springsteen - Born In The U.S.A. I suppose this song has to be on the list, doesn't it? Is it OK yet to admit that I really don't care for it?
*28) Britney Spears - …Baby One More Time Baby, one more time on the radio I hear this whitebread R&B, and I'm gouging my eardrums out with a scratch awl.
27) Grandmaster Flash - The Message If you don't know why this song is on the list, you will never understand rap.
26) Bon Jovi - Livin’ On A Prayer Think about this: the voters said that this song is better than Chrissie Hynde's entire body of work. And most of Jackson Browne's. Not to mention what Stevie Wonder's been doing lately (not much, but he did write "Overjoyed"), the entire New Wave movement, all but two songs from the Alternative Revolution of the early 90s, everything Elvis Costello has ever done (yes, I'm still bitter), and, if you must pick an overrated 80s hair band, remember, this song beat out "Welcome to the Jungle". This is bad. Bengals draft pick bad. It throws the entire list into question.
25) Rick James - Super Freak Given the previous item, I'm surprised Rick James is at #25 and not MC Hammer.
24) Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On Quoth Hyde from That 70s Show: "Die, away from me."
23) Prince - Little Red Corvette Prince has 3 songs in the top 25, which must mean that he's the best songwriter of the last 25 years, right? Well, guess what? He is.
22) Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time A better recording than it is a song, but Miles Davis thought enough of it to cover it, so I guess it's cool.
21) U2 - With Or Without You I'd have ranked this ahead of "One," and it would have been right behind "Jeremy" on my list.

20) AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long I don't get AC/DC, but this song has lingered around pop culture for 20 years and shows no sign of fading away, so it must be good.
19) Public Enemy - Fight The Power Easily--easily--the best rap song so far.
18) R.E.M. - Losing My Religion Eariler, the voters proved they weren't Metallica fans; now, they prove they aren't R.E.M. fans, either. Good grief, "Underneath the Bunker" is a more interesting song than this.
17) Def Leppard - Photograph No doubt, it belongs on this list, but #17?
16) No Doubt - Don’t Speak Go back to #78. Now, realize the same thing applies here, only a little more so.
15) Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) Just slightly more of a song than "Once in a Lifetime." But only slightly.
*14) Sinead O’Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U Another Prince song. Has no business being on this list, though.
13) TLC - Waterfalls Overrated at #13, but a good song.
12) Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know It's hard to believe people thought Alanis was "alternative" back in 1993. This song always seemed a little too L.A. slick for me, but it isn't horrible, and it had been a while since a truly petulant "woman scorned" song had entered the public consciousness.
11) Van Halen - Jump You inevitably become the thing you mock, and that happened to David Lee Roth, didn't it?

10) Madonna - Like A Virgin #10 of the last 25 years? I don't even think it's the 10th-best Madonna song.
09) The Police - Every Breath You Take As ambiguous as Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" and every bit as intriguing.
08) Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You Somebody fill me in--when did Dolly Parton change her name to "Whitney Houston"?
07) Prince & The Revolution - When Doves Cry Something you may never have noticed about this song-: there is no bass in it whatsoever.
06) Run-D.M.C. - Walk This Way With an assist from Aerosmith, no doubt.
05) U2 - One Certainly a good song, well worthy of being in the top 10.
*04) Eminem - Lose Yourself I wish he would.
03) Guns N’ Roses - Sweet Child O’ Mine Did you know you can sing "What Child is This" to the tune of this song? Try it sometime! "What child is thiiiiis who laid t' reyyy-ust in May-uh-ry's lap is sleeping . . ."
02) Michael Jackson - Billie Jean Too high at #2, but certainly a top 20 song.
01) Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit Yes, it probably is the best--so how come so little of the music which came out after this song kicked open the doors to the "alternative nation" was judged worthy to be on this list?

Tomorrow I'll post the song I think should have been on this list, but weren't. But I need to sleep on it first.

2003-06-10T10:38:00.000-05:00

NO MORE CAVALIER ATTITUDES AT CHEVY

Also at the Freep: Chevy will kill off the Cavalier nameplate in 2005. Chevy's new cheap car is expected to be called the Cobalt and to be "European styled" (read: "to look even more like the Volkswagen Jetta than the Ford Focus does"). Also, Chevy will start selling a Daewoo cheapie it's going to call the Aveo. I told you they were going to miss the Geo Metro.

2003-06-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

TUESDAY BRAIN CANDY

The Detroit Free Press has some outstanding coverage of Ford's 100th anniversary. Be sure to check out their "5 Fords to forget" column . . .

2003-06-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

2003-06-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

(LATE) MONDAY LYRICS

So long, Frank Lloyd Wright.
I can't believe your song is gone so soon.
I barely learned the tune
So soon
So soon.

I'll remember Frank Lloyd Wright.
All of the nights we'd harmonize till dawn.
I never laughed so long
So long
So long.

CHORUS
Architects may come and
Architects may go and
Never change your point of view.
When I run dry
I stop awhile and think of you

So long, Frank Lloyd Wright
All of the nights we'd harmonize till dawn.
I never laughed so long
So long
So long.

"So Long Frank Lloyd Wright," by Simon and Garfunkel

I wonder if there will ever be any more songs written about architects--or any architects worthy of having songs written about them.

2003-06-09T23:03:00.000-05:00

FORCES OF EVIL IN A BOZO NIGHTMARE

Once again, the Stanley Cup is bound for New Jersey. The Hockey Gods have spoken and they've vindicated the Jersey Trap, the worst thing to happen to the National Hockey League since the Tampa Bay Lightning.

It's not like it would have been better for the Ducks to win. I mean, come on, that's Disney we're talking about. Still, I don't the Ducks are the real losers here. Sports fans are, since now we have naught to entertain us but snkxxxx the NpbpbpbzzzzzzzBA fina68i8gtbmy2nio5

Wow, even thinking about that Spurs/Nets series made me fall asleep in mid-word.

2003-06-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

JUST IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING . . .

. . . yes, I am holding back on blogging until I get the new site up and running. Bear with me; this blog is going to be so much better, you'll totally forget this period of (relative) silence.

2003-06-07T16:40:00.000-05:00

SATURDAY SONG LYRICS

Shamelessly stolen from you-know-who.

When I go to sleep, you become my thief
Why don't you steal what you can keep?
But you won't let me be
You break into my dreams
And every day seems different
Sometimes I pretend you'll come back again
And you'll console the heart you stole
Have pity on the man
Who knows that you have gone
And has begun to break down

I feel almost possessed
So long as I don't lose this glorious distress then
You can take all I have left
I know it's over
If you can't be my lover
Be my thief

I'm so drowsy now, I'll unlock the door
What fades in time will hurt much more
So here's that happy scene
Where you come back to me
It's only found in fiction

I feel almost possessed
So long as I don't lose this glorious distress then
You can take all I have left
I know it's over
If you can't be my lover
Be my thief

"I didn't lead you on,
But there will always be
A little larceny in everyone

So hush and don't you cry
I'm trying to be kind
Because I have a perfect alibi"

Elvis Costello/Burt Bachrach, "My Thief"

2003-06-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

IN OTHER NEWS, MAXIM TO PUBLISH PICTURES OF A HOT YOUNG ACTRESS IN HER UNDERWEAR

Quelle surprise redux: the militant Palestinian group Hamas decides it doesn't want any part of Mideast peace talks.

Apparently it isn't enough for the Palestinians to win; the Israelis must also lose to satisfy Hamas. But, with the Palestinian authority pulling in another direction, maybe they'll start blowing each other up for a change.

2003-06-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

GEE, THOSE GRAPES ARE SOUR

Serena Williams is all bent out of shape that Justine Henin-Hardenne committed a sin of omission when she failed to intervene over a disputable call that went in Henin-Hardenne's favor during their match at the French Open today. Williams was shaken by the fact that the French crowd seemed to be rooting against her.

Quelle surprise.

It's probably true that the uptight lily-white world of women's tennis doesn't understand African-American athletes very well, and I'm sure the Williams sisters have encountered more than their share of covert and overt racism in their rise to the top. They've been accused of being classless before when their only crime was exuberance, something demonstrably lacking in the tenis world. But this really is classless and smacks of sore loserdom. Sure, it was tough out there--but what does she expect? It's France, and we're in a cultural war with them. You jeer your enemies when they succeed, and you rejoice when they fail. That's just one of the basic rules of war. Too bad she doesn't understand it that well.

2003-06-05T08:12:00.000-05:00

THERE'S AN IOWA CONNECTION TO EVERYTHING, IT SEEMS

Umpire Tim McClelland, who discovered Sammy Sosa's corked bat, turns out to be an Iowa boy. Lessee--he lives in West Des Moines, and DQ'd George Brett and Sammy Sosa. Hmm. If I were Doug Mientkiewicz, I'd start toeing the line when McClelland was umping my game, since he seems to be taking revenge on his neighbors . . .

2003-06-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

THIS SPACE FOR RENT (SOON)

It's (nearly) official: The Bemusement Park will be leaving this web address for a swankier neighborhood in a few days. (Probably just in time for my vacation.) This site will remain up forever or until Google pulls the plug on it, but soon there'll be naught here but a pointer to a new website. I'll let you know about the move as soon as it happens And a preliminary big thanks to Dean Esmay for helping pull off the move.

.

2003-06-04T20:20:00.000-05:00

TONIGHT'S MEETING OF THE PROPERTY COMMITTEE

"We have this idea, and here's what it costs."

Me: "We don't have the money for that right now. Next item."

Lather, rinse, repeat. For this I had to stay at work until 8 o'clock?

2003-06-04T10:15:00.000-05:00

ROTTEN TO THE CORK

I just spent an hour almost watching SportsCenter, and I have to say, they're covering Sammy Sosa's corked bat like it was OJ's bloody glove. I don't buy Sosa's excuse that he was accidentally using a bat he normally used for practice--something tells me the Cubs are probably a little more careful with their equipment than that. But how much different does a corked bat make, anyway?

While we're on the topic of ESPN, there's a new Tuesday Morning Quarterback column this week. Easterbrook is riffing on summer replacement TV, the dining-hall menus at Arizona State, and, true to form, he's got cheesecake pictures galore--including an Annika Sorenstam butt-shot. I might be able to comment on his "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" rant, but I've never seen the show.

2003-06-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

A GOOD IDEA, CROSS-PROMOTED

Arguing with Signposts is sponsoring the Lyric-A-Day Melee. Bryan is looking for people to send him their favorite song lyrics, and explain why they like them so much. I'm scanning the mental database for mine. It's tough when you know as much music as I do, but that's just the burden of being hip, I guess!

2003-06-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

MONDAY MORNING MUSINGS

Four of my last five posts have related in one way or another to a sinus infection. That's an unacceptable amount of attention being paid to my mucous membranes, so I'm declaring the topic closed. Besides, I feel better and I can taste things now a little bit.

When you've been off your blog for a few days, it's tough to know where to pick things up again. Everybody and their dog's pool guy has already commented about the troubles at the New York Times, which I can't say surprise me at all. The Detroit Pistons, who eliminated the Philadelphia 76ers in the NBA playoffs, fired their coach and hired as his replacement . . . Larry Brown, the head coach of the 76ers. To quote Denzel Washington, "Explain that one to me like I'm six years old." The Bengals are about to declare Akili Smith their latest first-round draft pick failure, a mere four years after that fact was obvious to the rest of the world. And the Forces of Evil are playing in that mockery of a Stanley Cup final.

I have a few pieces in the works, but this is shaping up to be a busy week. Keep your ears peeled, though; it's good to be back writing again instead of wandering around the house, wondering where I put my Kleenex box.

2003-06-01T11:55:00.000-05:00

BACK ON THE BLOG

I'm now at the stage where I know I'm still sick, but I don't feel sick anymore. The infection has moved from my sinuses to my ears, but Tylenol Sinus is taking care of everything very nicely.

It was a busy day at church this morning. We had a baptism and we took in 21 new members, the most we've taken in since at least 1985. (I couldn't find records any further back than that.) So there's lots of excitement

I'm off to eat greasy burgers for lunch now. There's a booth at George Webb with our name on it. Talk at you all later.

2003-05-30T22:48:00.000-05:00

MARK-THE-WALKING-SNOT-FACTORY UPDATE

Can't taste a dang thing today, although I really don't feel sick. Today I ate a bowl of chili overdosed with Tabasco--couldn't taste it. For dinner, enchiladas verdes, hold the sour cream. Couldn't taste it at all. But for some reason, my mouth feels like it's about to blister.

The Friday Five is really good this week, but I just got back from Milwaukee, in the middle of a downpour, and I haven't the mental stamina to attack it tonight. I'll try it tomorrow--but we're also putting up a swingset tomorrow, so we'll see . . .

2003-05-29T19:45:00.000-05:00

CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL

General Motors is about to embark on a new ad campaign with a refreshing twist: the company is admitting it built some crummy cars in the 80s and early 90s.

A startling fact from the story: four out of ten new-car buyers admit that they would not even consider buying a GM car. They've probably owned some of GM's 1980s efforts. For my part, I've had 8 GM cars of 80s vintage, and, while a couple were good, for the most part, they were pretty much biodegradable. I applaud GM's action; maybe they can get that number from 4/10 down to, say, 3.6/10. Time will tell . . .

(Thanx and a Tip O' the Hat to Kurt Rasmussen for the link.)

2003-05-29T12:45:00.000-05:00

STATUS UPDATE

I am alive, and, for a change, blogspot seems to be working OK. But I am still incapacitated by this crazy sinus infection, which will not be mollified by any drugs currently in the house. About all I can do is blow my nose every 33 seconds and try to stay horizontal, on my back.

But I know you all like content, so let me just say that if Mike Tyson were any dumber, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

2003-05-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

SINUS UP FOR HELP, PLEASE

A major outbreak of sinus infections is currently plaguing my house. Mostly me. My throat feels like I've been gargling Drano. Excuse the light blogging, but it's hard to be profound when you can't concentrate on any one thing for more than five seconds at a time.

2003-05-28T08:43:00.000-05:00

SOON AND VERY SOON

straw.camel's-back.broken

Look for The Bemusement Park to relocate to a new address soon. Real soon. Nothing against my present host--they're free, after all--but it just isn't working, not at all. Details to be posted here as soon as they are known.

2003-05-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

CLAMATO UPDATE

Whilst surfing the official Clamato website I came across these frightening and confusing sentences:

This spicy new drink created an entire new category in blended juices called Seafood Blends.

The brand is the undisputed market leader in the Seafood Blend category, with leading share in every region.

What, you mean there's other seafood-and-juice blends? Be still my pulsating gorge. The only thing more troubling than the thought of Clamato is the thought of off-brand Clamato.

2003-05-27T07:31:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER THING ADDED TO MY HATE LIST

Junebugs. Wow, do I hate junebugs.

2003-05-27T07:22:00.000-05:00

BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY

The office renovation project es muy finito. Actually, the only thing left to do is the one thing nobody on the Property Committee wanted to touch, which is rewiring the office so that I can just turn on the light in my office instead of having to light up the entire west side of the church should I need additional light. It looks great inside the office; I don't know what I was thinking before by saying it didn't need to be worked on. The WWII-vintage floor tiles had ruts so deep they'd catch a chair roller; the walls had cracks big enough to stick papers into; and the paint was a pale yellow-brown that made everyone who entered the office look as though they had an extremely mild case of jaundice. (Although, I suppose, in light of that fact, our choice of light green for the walls may not have improved things that much.)

Anyway, we accomplished the whole shmear for less than $300, and I finally have a space that I'm comfortable working in, since part of the renovation included making it so I could open at least one of my windows. Now, today, I get to put everything back where it was. Oh, joy. That's my least-favorite part of any project.

2003-05-26T09:19:00.000-05:00

HOLIDAYS IN THE SUN

Much to do today. The Mother of All Shopko Runs is in the offing. Paula wants to clean the basement--I told her she was more than welcome to. Did I just do something wrong?

2003-05-25T21:27:00.000-05:00

A CHILLING PORTENT?

There's a car for sale at the place where I get my oil changed.

A De Lorean. A beat-up De Lorean.

Can you say . . . destiny?

2003-05-24T21:20:00.000-05:00

A SERMON FOR THE SIXTH SUNDAY OF EASTER

Text: John 15:9-17

A lot of sermons start off with "I have good news and I have bad news." I'm pleased to tell you this one is a bit different. I'm starting off by telling you that I have good news and I have better news.

The good news is, after many long nights of research, I have finally uncovered the true secret of salvation. It's not explicitly stated in the Bible, but it's kind of hiding in between the lines. You really have to dig for it. Well, you don't have to, since I've already done it for you. Are you ready? Can you stand the excitement? People spend their whole lifetimes looking for this sort of stuff, and here I am giving it away for nothing in the first 45 seconds of my sermon! Hang on, here it is: To get to heaven, all you have to do in your whole lifetime is ten good things. Ten completely altruistic, selfless acts, and you're in the clear. Your salvation is secured for the rest of your life; nobody can take it away from you, not even yourself. Ten simple little things. They don't have to be grand, they don't have to be acknowledged, shoot, they don't even have to be public. All you need are ten solid instances when you inconvenienced yourself at least a little to make somebody else's life simpler.

I can see the smoke forming in your heads. Some of you find this hard to believe, I know. But others of you are counting in your heads, "Let's see . . . 7, 8, 9 . . . hey, I did ten selfless things before I even got here this morning! Woohoo! I'm in!"

And that's the good news! So what's the better news?

The better news is, I'm lying. I've discovered no such thing, and the reason I've discovered no such thing is that there is, in fact, no such thing to discover. There's no secret Biblical formula for determining how many good things you have to do if you want to get into heaven. It might be ten, it might be four hundred, it might be a million--it might even be none. Nobody knows for sure--but that doesn't stop people from trying to figure it out.

But wouldn't it be a lot easier if we did know exactly how much good we had to do in order to make it to heaven? I mean, let's face it, we all can read in the Bible that we ought to believe and be baptized; we can at least get ourselves that far. And those of us who grew up Lutheran may have some vague recollections that the Ten Commandments are sort of important for some reason. But after that, things get a little dicey. It almost seems like God is afraid to say too much. What we get instead are vaguely threatening pronouncements like the one Jesus gives in today's Gospel--If you love me, keep my commandments.

Whoa. That changes everything. We're accustomed to a gracious, forgiving Jesus, who loves us just the way we are--and then he goes and says something like this? Can't you just hear those two unspoken words at the very end of that sentence: If you love me, keep my commandments--or else!

But, if you stop and think about it, there's more than one way to understand this saying of Jesus'. It could be an order, a demand, what the grammar people call an "imperative"--or it could be a statement of how Jesus' love changes us. Hear me out on this: This might not be Jesus telling us that the only measure he will use to determine the depth of our love for him is how well we keep his commandments. In fact, as you break down all the verbs and phrases in this Gospel, you see that in fact he's saying something quite different: that, as we continue to live in his love, God's will is done in us to a much greater degree than it is if we wander off from him and his love.

How can we know this is so? Think back to that bit of good news I said I had way back at the beginning of this sermon. I told you that all you needed to do in life was ten good things and you'd be saved. Now, if you knew that to be true, how many good things would you do in life? Certainly you'd do ten, because who doesn't want to go to heaven? I mean, no offense, but if you don't want to go to heaven, you're in sort of a strange place this morning, aren't you? So you'd do at least ten good things. And you'd probably do at least 12 or 13, just in case a couple of the things you did weren't quite as good as you thoiught they were. Maybe, if you were the really nervous sort, you'd do twenty. But would you do a thousand good things in your life? Or a hundred? Or even forty? If you didn't have to, and nothing bad would happen to you if you didn't do them? Be honest with yourself.

No! You wouldn't! You'd do exactly as many good things as you needed to do to secure your place in heaven, and then you'd get out of the good-deed business. Being nice to others would officially become someone else's problem, since you had no further need for being well-behaved. In other words, you would do just the absolute bare minimum you needed to do to get what you wanted, and that's it.

Would you want to live in a world where that's how God worked? Where you could secure your life's salvation by the time you were, say, 13 years old, and then get a free pass to be as big of a dingaling as you wanted for the rest of your life--and not even God himself could do anything about it? Maybe you'd want to live in a world where that worked for you--but would you want that to work for everybody? What would our society be like?

Thankfully, our God is smarter than that. If occasionally he's a little vague about just how exactly our salvation is secured, it's because he has good reason to be. He can see into our hearts, and he doesn't like what he sees. Even among the best of us. We may talk a good game about wanting to be good Christians, about growing in our faith--but he knows the truth. He knows that we're essentially spiritual slackers, trying to do the minimum we can to get by, doing what we think is just enough to get into heaven, but certainly no more than that because then, well, then, it might affect our lives.

You that are parents, whether your kids are in school or have been out for years--if they came home with a report card upon which was written "Your child is making a minimum effort, doing just enough to pass; but certainly he or she is not working to potential"--how would you react? Would you say, "Way to go, kid, it's wonderful that you're not wasting any effort trying to learn anything?" I mean, would that be OK with you?

It wouldn't?

Well, then, riddle me this: If God was giving you a spiritual report card, would he say you're working to your full potential? Or would he say you're just doing enough to get by?

You wouldn't accept a minimal effort from a child who was capable of more. I mean, not everybody's going to get an A in everything, nor do they need to. But if somebody who should be getting As and Bs is always getting Cs and Ds, you'd be concerned. Why should your heavenly father be any different?

And that, brothers and sisters in Christ, is why Jesus makes statements like this: If you love me, keep my commandments. He does so precisely because he knows they're frustratingly vague and never leave us feeling totally secure about where we stand with God. Salvation s not a destination, it is not something we achieve--it's something which is given to us before we deserve it. Why? Because if God waited for us to deserve it, he'd be waiting a terribly long time--and he'd be waiting in vain. So instead, he works backwards--rather than making the thing we most long for something we can achieve, if we just do enough to deserve it, he gives it to us and then lets us figure out how we can best live out our gratitude towards him.

And how are you living it out? Is God vaguely aware that you might be a little bit thankful that Jesus gave his life as a sacrifice for your sins? Or is there more, more you can point to and say, "Yes, Lord, I do love you, and I am trying my best to keep your commandments, to be your friend."

If you're still a little sketchy on the difference between just doing the minimum to call yourself Christian, and being Jesus' friend as he wants you to be, let me close with one little illustration. In most of this country, including right here, there's a magical cooking device in your kitchen. You pick it up, press a certain sequence of keys, say some ritualistic words, and 30 minutes later (more or less) a nice person shows up on your doorstep with a fresh, hot pizza. You give him or her just as much money as it takes to pay for the pizza, maybe you give them a dollar or two for their trouble, and then you don't think about the pizza deliverer until the next time you're hungry and don't feel like cooking.. You're certainly grateful to the driver for taking care of that nasty hunger problem of yours. And if you order enough pizza, you might even learn a thing or two about them--their name, what sort of car they drive, where they live, a few things like that. But you are never "friends" with the pizza person, unless you know them from somewhere else.

So who is Jesus to you? Your friend, who you relate to and who you apreciate for being the unique and wonderful person that they are, or is Jesus just your spiritual pizza guy? Jesus makes it clear--he wants to be your friend, and if you do what he asks of you--which is nothing more horrible or undoable than that you show to other people the love he's already shown to you--then it's inevitable that he will be your friend. And having the Son of God be your friend--your close personal friend--that's about one of the best things I can imagine. Sure, it takes some work, any friendship does--you've got to talk to your friend, you occasionally have to do things your friend needs you to do--but so what? This is your friend we're talking about! And who's going to be a better friend to you than Jesus? Nobody on this planet, I'll tell you that much.

So why would you ever treat Jesus like your pizza guy--you know, only calling on him when you really need him, and then just giving him as much of yourself as it takes to get him to go away until the next time you need something? Yet truly I say to you, I'll bet that is exactly what most of you do.

2003-05-24T08:39:00.000-05:00

A STOMACH-CHURNING THOUGHT FOR SATURDAY

So . . . when's the last time you washed your can opener?

2003-05-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

WELL, SHOOT

It was a nice run, but the Ottawa Senators were eliminated from the NHL playoffs tonight. So now it's New Jersey vs. Anaheim for the Stanley Cup. What a dilemma: do I root for the team that ruined hockey, or the team owned by the company that's slowly ruining America?

Oh, who cares? Arena football is really starting to heat up now.

2003-05-23T18:16:00.000-05:00

HIERARCHY, AUTHORITY, AND REALITY

There's an interesting debate right now between the redoubtable Bryan and the folks over at Signposts regarding the nature of hierarchy and its function in helping (or hindering) the church's mission in the world. But they've finally come around to seeing the real problem: not the church's formal structure, but the laissez faire attitudes of people in the pews. Bryan points this out exceptionally well:

I agree that there are far too many people in churches who are not in a constant state of examination. I often wonder about that myself. But I have also been a part of churches that some would call "institutional" where such examination is occurring on a regular basis.

I think there are two possible reasons for what Dan alludes to:
A) many of the people who are involved in church are not really followers of Jesus Christ.
B) many of the people who are attending church are satisfied with where they are spiritually and socially and don't desire to gain further knowledge.

Give that man a cigar! That is exactly the problem. Every church has, among its number, these three basic constituencies: the core committed whom you can count on to be active in the life on the congregation, the "fanboys" (for lack of a better word) who will show up if something big or entertaining is going on (or unless they have nothing else to do on Sunday, which is common), but don't make any commitment to any sort of Christian walk, and the "phantom members" about whom all that can be said is that yours is the church they don't go to. And every church--every church, no matter how innovative it may be, no matter how little tradition it may have, will eventually be populated by all three categories. The first group, obviously, doesn't cause any trouble. The third group doesn't cause much--they mostly show up at church to have something thrown on them, be it water, rice, or dirt, and that's about it. It's that doggone second group that can drive a preacher berzerk. They are the source of your A) and B), Bryan.

There's much navel-gazing going on right now about the structure of the church, and you can go to this Signposts post to get a flavor of it. All I can really say is, there are few denominations more hierarchical than my own, and despite that, the amount of influence the national church has over individual congregations is really fairly minimal. My bishop knows me by name and can usually spare a couple minutes for me, but he doesn't have much input into the way I do things at the church I serve. Nor, I suspect, does he want to. But that probably has less to do with the structure of the church than it does with the fact that I'm consciously not very involved with the churchwide structure. Other pastors are more into such things than I am, and consequently, the national church has a bigger influence over them. But you can function as a minister in a strongly hierarchical church without getting excessively entangled, and, apart from a few liturgical terrorists who look askance at me because I never wear a clerical collar (and in fact don't even own one), there's less of a push for uniformity than might be expected. The real barrier to dynamic missions among older, established churches isn't their denominational and/or political structures. It's that they're largely populated with people who remember how easy it was to be the church in the 1950s, and they can't understand why everything now has to be so difficult. It's a case, really, of not understanding the difference between "the world is changing" and "the world has changed."

2003-05-23T08:37:00.000-05:00

THE FRIDAY FIVE, SPECIAL MARKET RESEARCH EDITION

1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?

Tom's of Maine, peppermint flavor. After using that stuff for a while, any other toothpaste seems like brushing your teeth with a Popsicle. I could do without Tom's political screed, but it's fine toothpaste.

2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?

Irrelevant since, in telemarketer-speak, I am not the person in the household who makes the toilet paper purchasing decisions.

3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?

Rockport and New Balance, occasionally Thom McAn when I'm feeling stingy.

4. What brand of soda do you drink?

RC cola, Shasta root beer, really, anything but Pepsi. If I wanted to drink syrup, I'd go for Mrs. Butterworth's.

5. What brand of gum do you chew?

Beeman's Pepsin or Teaberry. Now go look those up.

2003-05-22T20:12:00.000-05:00

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE

Having seen it on every blog I've ever looked at (including this one), I hereby declare "Heh." to be the Official Interjection of the Blogosphere. Credit must go, of course, to the man who built our playground.

2003-05-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

LONGING FOR TWO- OR THREE-DIMENSIONAL POLITICS

So I'm not alone in finding the traditional left-right binary political spectrum inadequate! Tiger is joining me in lamenting the two-party, two-wing system:

I wonder if this is not the inherent difficulty by having only two parties. If you are not of one, you have to be of the other. Competition: "The Old Team Spirit." But are we really all so cohesive behind each party's political lines?

I stand right behind the Republican line when it comes to family values. However, I think everyone has an opinion on abortion and it should be put up for Constitutional Amendment and let the issue be publicly decided once and for all. Of course, unless the swing turns the other way, and the populous again has to pass a subsequent Amendment to Repeal the previous Amendment.

I also believe in lowering taxes, although I think they could do more about lowering the taxes on the lower paid workers than those at the top of the food chain.

I want to see the sick, poor and injured cared for, but think charities are more able to provide effective and cost-conscious assistance to these groups than government bureaucracy.

I also would like to see jobs, real jobs, come back to America. How did we become a nation of McDonald's and Walmart employees? Where are the factories, the massive building projects? The country's infrastructure could use a major overhaul.

How do I stand politically? Am I Republican or a Democrat? YOU TELL ME?

Well, Tiger, the first part of our problem ties into my old logic teacher's pet peeve: our inability to distinguish between contradictories and contrapositives. We think in either/ors. Liberal OR conservative; Democrat OR Republican; Christian OR heathen; tall OR short; etc., etc., ad vomitum. But in all those categories we can easily see that those are far from the only two possibilities. Yet, it seems like it's only in politics where a dichotomous scheme is acceptable to us. Even though there's a huge percentage of Americans who don't identify with either of the political either/ors, the political meme is that all these folks are just petulant Perotistas still mad about '92 and '96. In other words, even the media's conventional wisdom says that there's no function difference between a Libertarian and a Socialist--they're both "independent," even though neither actually is. And the answer to your question is one you already know: You're neither Republican nor Democrat.

What has happened is that the conventional political model--with its left and right wings dating back to 18th-century French General Assembly--has failed to keep pace with the changes in our social and political institutions. Every institution, it would seem, except for America's two major political parties, who have no reason to change it, and every reason not to. Most of us find things about the left and/or the right with which we simply don't agree. In my case, I'm with the Democrats on the importance of civil rights and liberties; I'm definitely not with them on the role of federal government over against the states. (Why do we need a national Department of Education, anyway?) Likewise, I agree with the Republicans on the need for smaller, less intrusive government, but we part company over the staggering futility of favoring business interests over those of private citizens. And, though I agree with little else they hold dear, I'm totally with the Greens on their farm policy, which stresses small farms and sustainable agriculture.

You don't have a real place on the left/right spectrum, and neither do I. It's an old, outdated paradigm which, along with Les Miserables, is the only real remnant of the French Revolution we have left. It doesn't work. So let's change it.

The old model is merely one-dimensional. Think about that. How many other things in the world are one-dimensional? Nothing that isn't purely theoretical. But a person's politcal stance is hardly a theoretical thing, I'm sure you'll agree. The problem arises in trying to represent a multi-dimensional space in only one dimension. It's like trying to draw a cube on a solitary line. Can't be done.

Truthfully, we need at least two dimensions to describe ourselves politically. The World's Smallest Political Quiz tries to do this, but it ultimately fails because it assumes that all political philosophy falls into personal or economic categories. (The quiz tells me I fall exactly on the boundary between Centrism, Left Liberalism, and Libertarianism, so it's not entirely inaccurate, but still, I think it could be better.)

The very simplest model of political philosophy I can conceive, though, involves four dimensions:

--Role of government: Should the government control every aspect of society through the power to make laws, should it be restricted to a few essential functions like guarding the coast and delivering the mail, or somewhere in between these two extremes?

--Scope of private economic enterprise: Should businesses be regulated or unregulated? Should government favor small enterprises or big ones? Should corporations and their officers be exempt from personal responsibility for their actions?

--Individual self-determination: At what point is the government permitted to intervene in a citizen's life to prevent him or her to do something which may be harmful to themselves or others?

--Collective cultural morality: Should the government reflect the majority view of acceptable norms and standards, or should it remain neutral to permit the development and tolerance of diverse viewpoints, even if some of them are harmful to society as a whole?

Hard questions, all of these. Count me, for one, in favor of small government, a bias towards small enterprise, strong individual self-determination, but within a framework of a collective cultural morality. And if anybody knows what party that makes me, I'd love to know. Until such time as I get a satisfactory answer, count me a Mark-ist.

2003-05-22T07:22:00.000-05:00

STAYIN' ALIVE

With a mighty trash goal over 15 minutes into overtime, my Senators beat the worthless New Jersey Devils last night to tie the best-of-seven series at three games a piece. The determination of who gets the privliege of being destroyed by Jean-Sebastien Giguere will come Friday night in Ottawa. The dream is not dead, but I am uncertain whether it would be better to win Game 7, or lose it.

2003-05-21T20:34:00.000-05:00

COMING ATTRACTIONS

I am pleased to announce that, this fall, The Bemusement Park will become the official home page for my award-winning college football column, "Pickin' on the Big Ten/Big Twelve." The irreverent and usually wrong predictions will typically be posted on Fridays, except when some team's sold itself out to ESPN and winds up playing on Thursday night, which just could not be more wrong. And you can expect to see my special season preview sometime in August. For a taste of what "Pickin' on the Big Ten" is all about, you can read last year's special bowl-game edition here and here (it's a two-parter).

2003-05-21T20:07:00.000-05:00

I'M WAITING FOR 'DRIVING TIPS FROM RICKY WILLIAMS,' PERSONALLY

Steve Casburn from The Temperate Zone has uncovered a bit of irony/hypocrisy regarding Florida State University football coach Bobby Bowden's latest book The Bowden Way: 50 Years of Leadership Wisdom. Go read what he dug up; it's too good to ignore.

2003-05-21T19:53:00.000-05:00

QUOTH THE BLOGGER: "w00t."

In the TTLB Blogosphere Ecosystem, I've worked my way all the way up to a "Flippery Fish." I am not sure what this all means, but a month ago I was an "Insignificant Microbe."

I'd better keep busy. It's not safe to be a fish in Wisconsin on Fridays . . .

2003-05-21T16:22:00.000-05:00

WHY I'LL NEVER LEAVE THE MIDWEST, PART I

Today it's about 65 degrees and perfectly sunny, with air so clean the stuff across Lake Sinissippi (1.5 miles away) looks no further than a football field's distance. The geese are swooping over in lazy, curving paths; the wasps have taken the day off (apparently); the little traffic that goes by is going by slowly and quietly. Our trees are now in full leaf, swaying lightly in a breeze as gentle as an old friend.

Other places may have springs earlier and longer than the upper Midwest's, but nobody beats ours for intensity. So, forgive the light blogging. Some things have to be savored while they're still available.

2003-05-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

IN WHICH THE BLOGGER EXACTS TERRIBLE REVENGE AGAINST THE MECHANICAL WORLD

So this morning the cold-water tap in the bathroom finally decided it would never completely shut off again. It's always been a bit touchy, but with enough futzing around, you could usually get it to shut off. But not any more. Visions of plumbers were dancing in my head.

That's when I remembered that, a couple weeks previous, I'd checked out a "do it yourself" book for the local library. Sure enough, there in the plumbing section was "How to fix a leaky faucet," complete with illustrations. So I undid the faucet, only to find that it looked nothing like the picture. The plumbers were dancing harder, figuring they were about to make this month's bass-boat payment. I wrestled with a wrench for a good 15 minutes before I finally thought, "I wonder if this little plastic thingy just lifts right out of the faucet body. Sure enough, it did.

Here's why you should always go to your friendly neighborhood mom-and-pop hardware store, instead of one of those "House Despot" kind of places: Instead of parking in a lot the size of the Louisiana Superdome, I parked two spots from the door. I walked in, handed the owner the little plastic thingy, and said, "I don't know what this is, but it came from a faucet, and I need a new one." She found one just like I needed, asked me for six dollars, and I was on my way. It slipped right in, I screwed everything back together, and the faucet doesn't drip any more.

HA! IN YOUR FACE, MECHANICAL THINGY! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME ANY MORE!

But maybe I'd better just shut up while I'm momentarily ahead . . .

2003-05-20T19:29:00.000-05:00

IN WHICH THE BLOGGED-ABOUT TAKE THEIR REVENGE UPON THE AUTHOR

I have had a variety of mechanical mishaps over the years--rats eating my K-car, 39 flat tires in 35 months, a wheel falling off my car at 65 MPH after midnight in the middle of nowhere--but today was a new one on me. I was heading towards the People's Republic of Madison to make a hospital call when I heard a loud KTHUMP from the rear of the car followed by an ominous judda-judda-judda that went away the moment I touched the brakes. I figured I just ran over something on the road and was dragging it behind me. Until the next time I touched the brakes, that is, and I realized that I didn't have any. I pumped the pedal a couple times and they came back, but there was a constant scraping sound coming from the back of my car.

Fortunately, I was right by a major nationally-franchised car care center when this happened, so I left my car with them, went across the street to have lunch, and came back only to be told what was amiss: My rear brakes had exploded. I didn't even know that was possible. Every mechanical part had to be replaced. Total including parts and labor: $371. Time out of my life: Five and a half hours. Cars currently for sale in the Hasty household: 1.

2003-05-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

A DIFFERENT KIND OF GENESIS

Chris Boyd has a twist on the creation story. This one may be written more from God's point of view . . .

2003-05-19T17:24:00.000-05:00

NO COMMENT

I don't know what the deal is with the comments; they've been on and off all afternoon. If you've got anything trenchant to say, e-mail it to me; the link is in the left-hand column.

I'd find a new comment provider, but it seems none of them are accepting new registrations.

Update!

Of course, the moment I post this, they start working again . . .

Update update!

. . . and then they stop working immediately.

2003-05-19T13:53:00.000-05:00

IT WAS INEVITABLE, PART III

A reader asks what, for this blog, has to be considered The Ultimate Question:

"dude, nice site, but what is up with all the [adjective indicating a strong resemblance to fecal matter] cars?"

An excellent question, amigo, one which demands careful analysis and objective reasoning. Unfortunately, you asked me, so you won't get any of that stuff. But, forthwith, here's the rationale behind my fascination with the rejects of the automotive world:

1. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool car geek who caught the bug during the mid-70s, the low water mark of the American automobile industry.

The first word I ever learned to read was "Ford," because my dad owned one. (A 1970 Fairlane 500, if you must know.) There wasn't much to be enthusiastic about in those days; the vaunted muscle cars had been emasculated by insurance companies and government regulations. The typical American family car got between 15-18 MPG on the highway and Detroit's marketing gurus were convinced that you would buy something which looked like this, this, or even (shudder) this. These cars, retina-scarring though they may be, remind me of my childhood, sometimes even in a good way. And, though I hate to admit it, I even think this car isn't all that ugly. I mean, that's a great color.

Still, be glad you don't live in my head sometimes.

2. I'm a pastor.

That's important for two reasons: Firstly, ministerial salaries being what they are, it more or less determines that old, cruddy cars are all I can afford. I mean, I can afford a nice car (a Ford Focus); it's just that my wife drives it, that's all. And I'm hardly alone. Plenty of my colleagues go galumphing down the road in 20-year-old Volvos, or vintage AMC Concords, or, mirabile dictu, even cars like this. Secondly, I was taught in seminary to be especially respectful towards the forlorn, the outcast, the downtrodden and the hopeless. Even these. I think Ford was especially cognizant of this fact during the 70s; all their cars looked so sad, with big round headlights and pouting bumpers. They were just setting a trap for the clergy of the 90s and beyond.

3. Perhaps because of 1. and 2., I've developed an elaborate economic justification of my jalopy jones.

It's too long to post here, at least not now, but after years of bottom-feeding in the car market, I've discovered the secret to getting the most car for your dollar. One day I'll post my treatise "Hooptie Economics" on this site; suffice it to say, if you treat a car as a consumable item (like a bag of Fritos or, more tellingly, a bus pass), then there's definitely a price point where you get more bang for your buck--almost three times as much, according to my analysis. And, as you might guess, it doesn't involve buying three-year-old program cars. But . . . that's for another day.

2003-05-19T07:14:00.000-05:00

GRATUITOUS POST

It's not like I've got anything meaningful to say at 7:15 on a Monday morning. It's just that, with this post, D****** S*****'s name will finally cycle off my main page. And that's fine. She's really not generating traffic any more.

2003-05-18T13:59:00.000-05:00

WARNING LABELS: SUCH LOW COMEDY

Seen on the side of a fire log:

WARNING: RISK OF FIRE

It better not be a risk. It better be an absolute dang certainty, or I want my money back.

2003-05-18T07:33:00.000-05:00

HASTY'S LAW, NO. II

If you have to get up earlier than normal one day a week, every week, you will always struggle to get up that early, and you'll always feel as though you didn't sleep at all. But if, for whatever reason, you have a week where you don't have to get up that early on that particular day, and you can actually sleep in, you will awaken earlier than you usually do, without benefit of an alarm clock, feeling totally refreshed.

I usually get up about 6:45 on Sunday mornings, because I have to be at the church by 8. Today we're having a church picnic, and I don't have to be anywhere until 9:30. So what time did I get up this morning? Quarter after six.

2003-05-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

THE EVER-IMPORTANT FORD FESTIVA UPDATE

Whilst paging through an old issue of Car & Driver today (May '87, I think it was), I came across their road test of the Ford Festiva LX. They described its acceleration as "certainly quick enough" (0- 60 mph in 13.2 seconds), its styling as "crisp, purposeful" (in the same way a shoe box is, I guess), and its 12 cubic feet of cargo space (with the seat up) as "ample." Their ultimate verdict: "Yuppies-in-training, your car has arrived."

Uh . . . huh. When Car & Driver is right, it's really right, but when it's wrong . . .

2003-05-17T19:17:00.000-05:00

OH MY DEAR FREAKIN' WORD

Remember when I wrote about Clamato y Cerveza?

Wel, you'd better go look at this.

(Thanx and a Tip O' the Hat to Sam Meyer for the link.)

2003-05-17T14:10:00.000-05:00

'SPLAIN THIS TO ME, PLEASE

Time required to put together a 42" round glass table: 8 minutes
Time required to cut shrink wrap off 4 deck chairs: 23 minutes

I am frightened and confused.

2003-05-17T08:58:00.000-05:00

I AM . . . DOMESTIC MAN!

Big doings involving heavy lifting chez nous. We're getting a table for our deck and building a fire pit in the yard, plus somebody's going to have to rake and bale the lawn. Good thing I get to sleep in a little tomorrow.

2003-05-16T18:12:00.000-05:00

POLITICAL STRATEGY: A PRACTICAL LESSON

CalPundit has been quietly advocating a Democratic strategy for 2004: While not making it a central issue in the campaign, he thinks the party should slightly push the issue of gay rights. In his opinion, once the mainstream electorate sees the degree to which the GOP has sold itself out to its social-conservative wing (what used to be called the 'Christian Coalition,' back before it became clear it wasn't all that serious about either word in its name), the Republicans are doomed. And he now says, in fact, they're already playing right into the Democrats' hands:

First, the conservative Washington Times reports that the Christian right is furious not just at the possibility of the Republican party reaching out to gays, but at its mere failure to defend Rick Santorum loudly enough. [Ed.: The Washington Times article is linked from his site.]

He also cites The Economist and Andrew Sullivan as supporting his contention that the GOP is shooting itself in the foot by not weakening its ties to the social conservatives, since they've failed to deliver the vote. (Quoth The Economist: "Karl Rove points out that some 4m Christian conservatives who voted in 1994 failed to vote in 2000.")

He summarizes thusly:

This is a great wedge issue, folks, and it doesn't have to be about gay marriage. How about federal protection for being fired due to sexual orientation? That has overwhelming support among the electorate but would be almost impossible for Bush to support. How about Social Security survivor benefits for gay partners? That's supported by two-thirds of the electorate, which means virtually all independents and moderates. How about loudly defending Thomas McLaughlin and daring President Bush to do the same? (Oh, and here's the lastest on that.)

Karl Rove wants anything but this to become an issue, and that by itself should be reason enough for Democrats to press it hard. So far, Bush has been able to avoid saying anything about gays that makes him look like a bigot, so our goal should be to make him do just that by forcing him to take a direct stand on a simple, substantive issue. If we can, he either loses about 5-10% of the moderate electorate who are appalled by his opposition, or he loses 5-10% of the far right who are appalled by his support.

What more can you ask for?

I have to say, he's got a point. And there's probably a few folks in the GOP ready to throw the former CC to the wolves. What I think he's missing (or at least not making a very big deal out of) is the nasty double bind that the social-conservatives have created for the GOP.

Let me illustrate a bit indirectly. Social conservatives cling tenaciously to these two contrapositive positions:

1. The overwhelming majority of Americans are very morally conservative; they will fight politically to protect their value system and to make sure that they are free to pass it on to their children; and

2. The horrible example set by Bill Clinton and other liberal politicos has seriously degraded America's sense of morality and decency.

Do you see how these can't both be true? If 1. is true, then Clinton's actions couldn't possibly have had an effect, and politicians are free from the need to be moral examples. But if 2. is true, then how can 1. be true? In other words, how can you argue that Clinton ruined America's sense of morality, but then assert that America is still a highly moral nation?

(These are contrapositives, not contradictions, because, while they can't both be true, they could both be false: this may not ever have been a morally conservative nation, and Bill Clinton may not have made it any worse. A minor distinction, but my logic professor wouldn't stand for it any other way!)

The double bind comes thusly surrounding this issue: If America's as moral as the social conservatives claim to assert, there should be no support for an expansion of civil rights for gays and lesbians. But, as you'll note above, two-thirds of Americans disagree, at least to some extent. So the social conservatives cannot claim to be in the mainstream on this (they've got to surrender 1. from my two statements above). Just on that principle alone, the gay rights issue is a loser for the GOP. If they take a stance that satisfies the social conservatives, they surrender the middle ground to the Democrats; if they move to the middle (where they can actually engage the mainstream electorate), they alienate a group without which they can barely win.

Let me illustrate this graphically. Here's the political spectrum:

----------X----------

The 'X' represents the middle of the road; the line left of the 'X' represents a left-of-center position, and you can figure out what the line right of the 'X' means. Now, on this issue, let's say the Republicans take a position just slightly right of center, like this:

----------X--R-------

If you're the Democrats, how would you react? If you listen to talk radio, you'd probably expect them to react by taking a position sort of like this:

--D-------X--R-------

Thusly, they would distance themselves as far from the Republicans as possible, in order to alienate as little of their power base as possible. In fact, this is what they did on most issues in the 70s and 80s. And you remember what that got them, don't you?

Now, think back to 1992 and 1996. What were old-line Democrats complaining about back in those days? That Clinton sounded too Republican on a lot of issues. What he was doing was this:

----------X-DR-------

Do you see the logic? By positioning the party barely to the left of the GOP, Clinton took away the middle from the Republicans. Sure, some of the old-guard Democrats were upset. But what were they going to do, vote for Bush and/or Dole? Of course not! End result: Clinton wins twice, handily. (Handily compared to 2000, at least.)

In fact, this strategy worked so well that the GOP used it in 2000. And, though they owe an assist to Ralph Nader and the US Supreme Court, you see what it got them.

So electoral politics has now become a game of reverse tic-tac-toe: the advantage belongs to the candidate who does not make the first move. Just position yourself slightly closer to the center than your opponent, then sit back and count the votes. Of course, this only works if your opponent makes his or her position known, which is always a political mistake.

So, Kevin's on to something here. If the social conservatives insist that Bush take a public stand on gay rights (and, inevitably, they will), they've just surrendered the middle ground to the Democrats. This isn't an issue like [the A-word] where there's an even pro/con split. Either the GOP alienates the middle of the road, or the social conservatives. What they choose will tell you a lot about whether social conservatism is on the rise, or on the decline in America.

That's assuming the Dems don't soil the bed by tipping their hands first, that is.

2003-05-16T10:21:00.000-05:00

DEATH OF A BIRD

In Mickey Kaus' Gearbox feature on Slate, he notes that Ford is killing off its new Thunderbird:

Ford kills the T-Bird--and not on a Friday: Ford announced today it would cease production of its much-hyped Thunderbird in the "2005 or 2006 model year," according to an AP report on MSNBC. This should be a humiliating announcement for Ford. The Thunderbird got a huge wave of press when it was introduced in 2001, but then took forever to actually hit the streets, thanks in part to the discovery of cooling-system problems. Cynically, Ford expected buyers to pay $39,000 for a car that recycled the dreary, budget interior from the Lincoln LS, on which the T-Bird was based. The car handles flabbily, according to the car mags. I thought the chrome wheels looked cheap, too.

Kaus goes on to bash the always-bashable J Mays, the irascible Ford design chief who hit a home run with the VW New Beetle, a solid single with the Audi TT, then got hired by Ford and immediately ran out of ideas. Everything Ford's proposed since then has been an ironic commentary on the cars it used to build, designed to appeal to baby-boomers who couldn't afford the originals: "We can't sell you a new '65 Mustang, but here's a new 'Mustang' for you to consider."

Kaus also wonders if there's not a more sinister motive for Ford's announcement of the T-Bird's not-exactly-imminent demise:

Keep in mind that Ford only began producing the Thunderbird in June 2001, but (thanks to those production glitches) it really wasn't available in large numbers until much later that year. So it's being effectively euthanized after not all that much more than a year on the market. Ford predicted sales of 25,000 annually, but only about 19,000 were sold in 2002 and about 4,000 through March of this year. "The demand is nonexistent right now," a Georgia Ford dealer told the Detroit News.

That 2005-2006 phase-out date is suspicious, though. The car will now apparently spend more time dying than it did living. Combined with the failure of Ford to announce the T-Bird's demise on a Friday during the Iraq war--which is the day you'd choose if you wished to bury bad news--it suggests Ford actually wanted the world to know the T-Bird was doomed. Why? One explanation: It's a pathetic attempt to promote a wave of buying by collectors who now know the production run is limited--but who have a couple of years to spend thousands on one of the "last" Thunderbirds.

Well, they didn't exactly fall all over themselves to buy up the last "last Thunderbird," although that's probably because Ford allowed the car to deteriorate from a BMW 6-series challenger to a 2-door Crown Victoria. I fully expect the T-Bird will be back, more in its 80s form than its 50s form. I'm guessing that as Boomers continue to age, they won't miss the 50s as much as they miss the 70s, which was definitely the era of the personal luxury coupe.

2003-05-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

5, FRIDAY, YADA YADA YADA . . .

This week's Friday Five:

(First of all, a note to the International Language Authority: Please change the name of the sixth day of the week to 'Firday,' since that's what I always type.)

1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?

We have an in-line purifier on our kitchen tap. (Not one of those things that you screw on to the faucet--one that runs the water through the filter before it ever gets to the tap.) I think that's the best solution; it doesn't cost very much and you don't have to change the filter as often as you do with the on-faucet types.

2. What are your favourite flavor of chips?

Chili-cheese Fritos. Of course, plain Fritos with actual chili and cheese on them are much better.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?

I'm insanely proud of my pork chops with dressing, and Steak Leinenkugel. My wife says I make a mean brown sugar pudding, but I can't claim credit for the recipe.

4. How do you have your eggs?

On someone else's plate, preferably. I'll eat them scrambled, or in an omelet, or over hard, but don't serve me runny eggs. Blech. Truthfully, I'd rather eat anything else for breakfast; my favorite morning meal is cold fried rice.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?

My wife, last night. It was OK, but there's a reason why I usually do the cooking and she usually does the cleaning. Call it "playing to our strengths," I guess.

2003-05-16T08:31:00.000-05:00

IN WHICH SLASH et al. FINALLY WISE UP

With Guns 'N Roses' Chinese Democracy album soon to enter its second decade of imminent release, some of the founding members of the band have finally come to the ultimate realization: G'nR would be a great band if not for Axl Rose. So they've formed a new band, Reloaded (heh), and picked a different frontman: Stone Temple Pilots' Scott Weiland.

(Insert your own "they met in rehab" joke here. Ponder if their first tour will be called The Mobile Twelve-Step Group or something like that.)

I like Stone Temple Pilots. When they broke in '92, they were accused of being Pearl Jam ripoff artists, but I never heard that in their music. They've got too much heavy metal DNA to align themselves with the Seattle sound. I think this Weiland/G'nR collaboration will yield some good music. I probably won't buy the album, but hey, good for them anyway.

Although I have to wonder if Weiland talked to his previous bandmates about the Talk Show album they put out whilst he was a guest of the state of California. It didn't sell at all, which shows that things just aren't the same when a really great band swaps out the singer with whom they're most closely associated.

2003-05-15T22:31:00.000-05:00

POST-BIBLICAL ARCHAEOLOGY REVIEW

Amazing! Bryan has discovered the world's first Lutheran!

Of course, he thinks he's discovered the world's first fundamentalist, but after reading what he posted about somebody longing for ancient rites and traditions that were shopworn in the pre-Constantinian era, I'm pretty sure I know what he's really discovered.

2003-05-15T22:22:00.000-05:00

CONVERSATION OVER A LUNAR ECLIPSE

"You know, after a while it's just like looking at the moon when it's behind a cloud."

"Yup, and I'm cold. Let's go inside."

2003-05-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

POLITICAL POISON PILLS: PERSISTENTLY PERPLEXING

Here in the Badger State (yes, I'm actually writing about the state I live in for once), a county executive is floating a unique idea: a 3-cent-per-month tax on cell phone bills to pay for domestic violence prosecutors. The state is already considering taxing cell phone bills to pay for 911-system upgrades.

Now, obviously, nobody's in favor of letting domestic violence go unprosecuted. And the executive has a point: domestic violence is the biggest problem nobody in this country really wants to do anything about. Everybody's against it, but nobody wants to fund anything to discourage, prevent, or prosecute it.

But is this the best way to solve the problem? Is there some link between cell-phone use and domestic violence which has gone unreported? (It wouldn't surprise me, since I've always associated cell phones with exaggerated self-importance, but I think I'm alone on that.) Is there some plausible reason why the cell-phone-using community should bear the brunt of this funding increase?

Or was this just the best train out of the station?

I mean, to turn this down, you'd have to vote against domestic violence and better 911 service, after all . . . I may not agree with the means, but I've gotta say, this is pretty brilliant political strategizing.

2003-05-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

COSTLY PHRASES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY SOMETIMES, PART I

"I think I figured out why you couldn't get the mower started, honey . . . there's no gas in it."

2003-05-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

AMAZING.

You-know-who who did something with you-know-who-again which led to you-know-who-again getting fired from his (or her) job coaching a sport of some sort at the Higher Education Institution of Someplace in the Southeastern US is still--still--the #1 source of hits on this blog. But I note with joy that somebody was here looking for information on that staple of my pre-kindergarten lunch hour, The House with the Magic Window.

Of course, while we're on the topic of central Iowa local kids' shows, it's nice to see there's a page for Duane Ellett and Floppy. In fact, there's two of them.

2003-05-15T08:42:00.000-05:00

DECLARATION OF INTENTIONS

I am bound for the People's Republic of Madison today. Along the way, I'll be seeking out the following cars, which I've actually not seen in a while:

--a Chevy Camaro. (Come on, it's Wisconsin and it's been winter. Of course I haven't seen any Camaros!)
--a Subaru Loyale. This should be no trouble to find in Madison. And also,
--a SAAB 9000.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Update!

Curse you, PRoM. SAABs and Camaros you've got, but what sort of lefty college town are you if I can drive all the way across town--the long way--and not see a single Subaru Loyale? You'll note I didn't even demand that it be a station wagon with a "VISUALIZE WORLD PEACE" sticker in the back window . . .

2003-05-15T08:18:00.000-05:00

LILEKS AUTOPOST, NO. 2

Blah blah foo flubby James Lileks argle bargle zowdf in the zone sknrkkx blurf Pelagianism and other heresies yobl twoopy hilkbertl diddnklop.

2003-05-14T20:09:00.000-05:00

D'OH!!

Man, there's nothing like screwing up a post. Note to the Movable Type junta: this wasn't Blogger's fault; it was all me. What I meant to say was, this site lists 55 '67 Impalas for sale.

2003-05-14T20:03:00.000-05:00

BACK ON THE HIGHWAY

You know what? I've done enough blogging about doofy cars I haven't seen in a while. I'm going to start blogging more about the ones I actually like, starting with the 1967 Chevy Impala. I'm normally a Ford guy, more or less, but the '67 Impala was a looker, even in sedan form.

The '67 is a demolition derby legend, a big, strong car with a reliable engine and transmission. Several of them, actually; from a lowly 250 CI six-cylinder your Aunt Edna would have bought to a pavement-shredding 427 big block that turned the Impala from a sensible family car into, basically, a great big Camaro. There were hundreds of options available; indeed, a physicist posited that, with all the drivetrain, paint, decor, suspension, climate control, audio, and other options available, there were more possible variants of the '67 Impala than there were atoms in the entire known universe. Still, while over 500,000 Impalas were made in '67, it's a good bet that, unlike snowflakes, there were at least a couple duplicates.

And, even though a lot of '67 Impalas have been recycled,

2003-05-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

AT LEAST SOMEBODY'S READING THIS STUFF

Even though She Who Must Not Be Named is still this blog's greatest source of traffic, I'd like to thank the following bright lights of bloggerdom who have blogrolled The Bemusement Park:

--Outside the Beltway
--WylieBlog
--Tiger

And to the rest of you, all I can say is, Notice me now and be ahead of the curve!

2003-05-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

WORKING THE ANGLES (ANGELS?): A PASTOR WEIGHS IN ON SCHOOL PRAYER

The always-enthusiastic Rachel Lucas has found something to dislike about school prayer, in a case involving a Kansas elementary school principal who memorandized her teachers, asking them to participate in National Day of Prayer in a rather public fashion:

[S]he's not stupid for being a Christian and asking for prayer. She's stupid, and I mean stupid, for actually sending out a written memo telling teachers to pray in the classroom. Has she never heard of the ACLU? Is she unaware of the fact that many people aren't Christians and just might not want their kids' teacher publicly praying for them?

Heck, even some Christians wouldn't want this, am I right? I get the feeling that my parents, who were very active Christians when I was in elementary school, would have had a fantastic fit if they found out my teachers were standing by my desk and praying for me. It's just not a government employee's job - or right - to engage in something so personal with children. Plus it's probably completely illegal. Which again demonstrates the principal's severe daftness.

First of all, yes, Rachel, you're right, there are some Christians who wouldn't want their kids' teachers praying right next to their desks. And I'm one of them. There's enough diversity of belief amongst Christians that I'm (lamentably) not willing to give anybody blanket permission to pray over my kid. As a parent, it's my responsibility (and my privilege) to raise my child in my own faith. I wouldn't want anybody--least of all a government employee--praying that my stepdaughter might one day renounce her baptism, since she was baptized when she was an infant. (That will never happen, since she doesn't go to a public school, but I digress.)

Likewise, as a pastor, I really don't want the public schools doing my job for me. I just don't have enough confidence that they could ever do it right. Any "prayer" that could ever hope to pass any sort of political-correctness test would be so hopelessly vague that any deity involved probably wouldn't recognize it was meant for them.

There's a reason I don't do algebra from the pulpit, and there's a reason why public schools shouldn't be involved in public prayer. It isn't necessary for either of us to try to do the other's job.

2003-05-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK

In a move that's sure to endear him to the Cyclone Nation (who already loathed him anyway), Des Moines Register columnist Sean Keeler really stuck it to the Clones this morning. Among the highlights:

In the last five days, the leading candidates to replace Larry Eustachy have spurned Ames for the aesthetic shores of:

Omaha.

Fresno.

Laramie.

Chattanooga.

Maybe Van De Velde should have sought out the basketball coach at the University of Mosul.

On Tuesday, Tennessee-Chattanooga coach Jeff Lebo pulled his name from Van De Velde's hat.

Chattanooga. Pardon me, boys. A Waffle House dynasty, I could fathom, but a basketball one?

Iowa State could be the first major-conference school in the last 40 years to actually back down from a bidding war with the University of Wyoming. When McClain left his native Iowa without a contract offer last weekend, folks in Laramie began puffing their chests like Mussolini.

Elsewhere in the same paper, here's a nasty little swipe from one of Jeff Lebo's current assistants:

"Jeff loves Chattanooga and feels like he's got more work to do here," said John Shulman. "He realizes what's important to him; quality of life, living in a great city, and coaching basketball.

"He's one of those guys that's in it for the right reasons. If he wasn't, he'd be in Ames right now."

Again, I say, "Ouch."

2003-05-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

FLASH!

Your new ISU hoops coach is current assistant Wayne Morgan.

2003-05-13T19:45:00.000-05:00

LETTER TO A FRIEND

Dear Dad,

The significance of this day is not lost on me. One year ago today, about this very minute, in fact, I got the word that you'd been killed in an accident, struck broadside by a person who couldn't be bothered to read a road sign, even if it was bright red and said 'STOP.' I wish I could tell you more about what happened next, but those ensuing couple of weeks are still a fog to me. All I remember (apart from the efforts one person who sincerely tried to help but would have been better off doing nothing) is that I remember being lost amongst a much larger group of lost people, everybody who ever knew and loved you.

When somebody you love dies, especially in the way you did, all you want is for the world to stop and take notice of how you've been wronged. And maybe for a moment, it does. (They tell me you even made the TV news. I wouldn't know; I didn't see it. In fact, it was a couple weeks before any of us really felt like turning on the TV at all.) But what's far more important is to see how the people close to you drew closer to us, joined together in the swirling vortex of icy blue grief. We often say to each other at funerals, "It's nice to see you again; I just wish it was under different circumstances." What a damnable lie that is. If somebody's important to you, then it's especially nice to see them under the circumstances of heartbreak.

I don't want to bore you with details of how we've been dealing with the aftermath. First of all, we're hardly done dealing with it; secondly, you never gave a rat's bonkus about that sort of stuff anyway. Suffice it to say our quest for justice continues, at about the pace I expected. I may never get what I want most--to look that person right in the eyes and let her know exactly who she took out of the world, and exactly what I think of her for it, and exactly why just saying "I'm sorry" isn't going to hold much water with me. But if I can't get what I want, I'll take what the law provides me.

There's no way I can adequately explain what life has been like for me in the past year. It's been sort of like it always has, except the highs on the graphic equalizer are turned off, and the lows are on overdrive. It's not like every day has been miserable. (What an insult to your memory that would be.) I've laughed, I've had good times, I've gone on road trips, and so on. It just hasn't been as much fun. I'll have a good day, maybe even a short string of them, but then something will set me off and I'll be glum for a few days, like I just drank a tall, cool glass of Novacaine.

You don't know how hard that is when you're a pastor like me. You don't know how hard any of this is. If I had a dollar for everyone who seemed to assume that, just because I'm a pastor, and just because I have great faith in God, I should just be instantly OK with my father dying a senseless death, I'd have my student loans paid off and that Audi that Grandpa always wanted but never got, the one you said you were going to buy, and the one I fully intend to buy someday. I wish even the atheists knew how much I loathe the rah-rah happy-clappy Jesus pushers and their faith that's shallower than a McDonald's ashtray. Don't tell me that I should cheer up because someday I'll see you again; I bloody well know that. I mean, if I didn't, I'd be in a pretty strange line of work, wouldn't I? But don't try to comfort me by telling me that my problem will be solved someday in some spectacular cosmic fashion. Tell me what I want to know--that God is with me now. I looked real, real hard for somebody to tell me that God wasn't just up in his heaven watching over me and longing for my blissful reunion with him and you (unless I screwed up and threw away my salvation by stealing or coveting or voting Democrat or eating my salad with my dessert fork or whatever else passes for sin in the eyes of some of these folks); rather, I wanted to know that he was by my side, helping me bail out the backed-up septic tank that my life had become because you were gone. That's when I learned the truth--every true Christian is tested by fire, and the only ones really worth having around you in a time of trouble are the ones who still smell like smoke.

I just wish I hadn't had to lose you to learn that lesson.

You never knew me as a married man, never knew me as a parent, and of all the things I regret, that's probably what I regret the most. I sure could use your advice sometimes. Being married and being a father (especially of the step-variety, as I am) is much, much harder than I expected. Not that I'm not loving the heck out of it, because I am, I really am; just that it's challenging, and I don't get to ask you for your perspective any more. Just one more thing the thief in the night took from me, I guess. I've got a feeling I'll be counting the losses for years.

Anyway, I'd say I hope things are alright with you, but if you're where I know you are, that's the ultimate in silly questions. Things here are not alright, as you can tell. I've often told people in situations similar to mine that, yes, one day things will get back to normal; it's just that "normal" will mean something different than it used to. (I don't have the heart to tell them the truth: that "normal" will always mean something worse than it used to. They'll find that out soon enough, though.) I don't know how long that takes, Dad, but I know this: It sure as hell takes longer than a year.

Say hi to the boss for me.

Love,

Mark

2003-05-13T18:54:00.000-05:00

WINDOWS XP HELPFUL HINT

Donald Sensing has a great hint for Windows XP users (like me). I did what he said in #1, and I can read my screen so much more easily, it's like instant LASIK. You Macintistas may deposit your opprobrium in the comments.

2003-05-13T14:37:00.000-05:00

JA, DAT'S A HECKUVA DEAL FUR DOSE RAPULLICAN GICE, DONTCHA KNOW?

From the Regions of Mind blog comes this amazing news: Minnesota is turning Republican. That's not really news to me, since I lived there for seven years in the early-to-mid 90s, and the state hasn't had a Democratic governor since 1991. (It is interesting to note that Jesse "The Mouth" Ventura's profession is officially listed as 'radio personality,' and that he's also listed under his given name of James George Janos. Now, why would somebody with a great given name like that want to be 'Jesse Ventura'?) That leaves Wisconsin and Iowa as the only two reliably Democrat-leaning states in the upper Midwest, and I'm not so sure about Iowa anymore.

James Joyner is calling this a good thing. Personally, you know what I blame for Minnesota's seeming change of heart?

This.

2003-05-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

BAD---->REALLY BAD---->WORSE

Is Ames cursed? I'm starting to wonder. First there was the whole Larry Eustachy mess. Then there was Ennis Haywood. And now--now--comes two other crushing blows for the Clones. First, former ISU running back Dexter Green, a standout on Earle Bruce's mid-70s teams, died of cancer over the weekend. Then, just when it looked like Jeff Lebo was going to be named the Cyclones' head hoops honcho, he pulls out. This comes one day after Terry Carroll, who wanted the ISU job and would have absolutely destroyed Steve Alford, signed a contract extension at the University of Denver. So, unless they finally wise up and just promote Wayne Morgan to the job, look for another long, fruitless search to find somebody for the job nobody seems to want. And look for ISU athletic director Bruce Van De Velde to be the next Cyclone employee in the unemployment office.

2003-05-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

PILING ON, PART II

Guess who's all over Iowa State for the Larry Eustachy situation? Would you believe Tank McNamara? Cyclone fans will take this as a given, since the comic has appeared in the Des Moines Register's sports page since the pre-Cambrian era.

2003-05-13T09:23:00.000-05:00

ONE LESS REASON TO WATCH MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

This season, there will be no Melissa Stark on the sidelines. She is expecting her first child and has opted out of this season. There is no word on whether Eric Dickerson has been contacted to take her place.

2003-05-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

BLOGGUS INTERRUPTUS

The forecast for Dodge County today: Sunny, 71, northwest winds at 5-10 mph. Paula's car needs an oil change, and I need to find some carpet for my office. I see a long, meandering drive through the Wisconsin countryside in our immediate future.

2003-05-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER SEARCH IS OVER, APPARENTLY

Jeff Lebo to Iowa State. It's looking like a done deal. There are mutiple central Iowa media reports suggesting that Lebo will be named as head coach in the next couple days. Of course, they were saying the same thing about Steve McClain . . .

2003-05-12T16:16:00.000-05:00

THE SEARCH IS OVER

While I'm getting nothing like the traffic I was last week, I'm still getting lots of visits from people looking for pictures of Destiny Stahl, and if you don't know who she is by now, thank you for visiting this website for the first time ever. How many is a lot? Between Wednesday and Sunday of last week, I got over 1500 visits from people looking for pictures of Ms. Stahl, whose real name, apparently, is Lori Boudreaux. (She must have changed it after hearing one too many Cajun jokes.) And, in fact, if you go to Google and type in the phrase 'destiny stahl pictures', this site is #4 on the list that pops up.

I had heard that James Joyner from Outside the Beltway was having a similar problem, so I went over to his site and noted this post, in which he notes the various and sundry phrases which have led visitors to his site. He, too, has had a "rendezvous with Destiny," but it's nothing like the surge in traffic I've seen. So he paid me what I thought was a pretty nice compliment: He named The Bemusement ParK 'the official Destiny Stahl website,' a move which should guarantee a few hundred visitors to Outside the Beltway over the next few days. But Bryan from Arguing with Signposts says James has thrown me under the bus by claiming that I have nude pictures of Destiny Stahl/Lori Boudreaux.

Take a good look at this page. A nice, long look.

I DON'T HAVE ANY PICTURES OF ANYTHING!!! And, obviously, a man of my profession isn't about to link to nude pictures of anybody. I mean, go read Real Live Preacher's latest post and marvel in clerical sexual naivete. If you want to see pictures of one of God's finer creations, the Loess Hills pictures are way more inspiring than any stripper from north Florida, even if she did bring down a $10 million football coach.

As an aside, while D****** S**** is still generating traffic for this blog, her stock is dropping and some new phrases are starting to show up in my referrer logs. Including the phrase 'jeff lebo beer'. I'd let it slide, but you really ought to see where the searcher was coming from. If you're counting on me--an avowed Hawkeye fan--to do your background checks . . . then all those Cyclone jokes must be true.

Update!

Since James has done me the favor of pointing out that I don't actually have any nude pictures of Destiny Stahl, I feel I should return the favor by pointing out that he does not have any nude pictures of Rick Santorum. And by the way, James, welcome to my blogroll.

2003-05-12T10:50:00.000-05:00

GOOD NEWS?

I just got done cleaning out my office. Some guys from the church are going to spend the next two weeks renovating it. So, that means that (sigh) i'll just have to work from home for the next two weeks.

Oh, the sacrifices I make!

Anyway, if I'm home, that means it'll be much easier for me to blog during the day. We'll see what effect that has on the quality of my output . . .

2003-05-11T22:43:00.000-05:00

IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO BE WRONG

. . . but expect Jeff Lebo to be announced as the new ISU hoops coach as soon as tomorrow.

Update!

This is looking even more likely, since Wyoming coach Steve McClain has withdrawn his name. Apparently, it was all about the Benjamins. So, unless there's some hidden candidate out there who's unknown to all of us, that leaves only Lebo and current ISU assistant Wayne Morgan in the running.

2003-05-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

THE PARABLE OF THE PARMESAN CHEESE

In his emergency backup blog, Bryan The Signpost-Arguer is pondering why Christians don't talk about the poor more than they do:

I have to say that I still find much in contemporary Christianity to make it the religion of the poor and downtrodden. It is certainly not always the religion of the intellectual and rich (unless they happen to be running for office).

I'm begging my mom's indulgence here. I'm not sure if this actually happened to her, or if it just happened at her church and she related it to me. At any rate, her church decided to fix a spaghetti dinner for the town's homeless and less fortunate. An erstwhile kitchen crew labored for hours fixing spaghetti, sauce, salad, garlic bread, and dessert. When the appointed dinner hour arrived, they welcomed their guests, and the first guy through the line filled his plate. When he had his dinner, he looked up at somebody (it may have been my mom) and said--what? "God bless you"? "Thank you so much"?

Hardly. He said, "Where's the Parmesan cheese?"

Sheesh. That guy would have pawed through a Dumpster for his dinner without the good folks of that church, and this guy--the first guy through the line--whines that there's no Parmesan cheese.

That sort of behavior is reprehensible for three reasons: 1) he was arrogant; 2) he was critical, and 3), he was right.

I'm not much for Parmesan cheese--it smells too much like my socks do after a long day at work--but if I invited you over for dinner, and I served spaghetti, I'd make sure I had some. Why? Because I know most people like Parmesan cheese with the spaghetti, and part of being a good host is meeting your guests' tastes and desires. All this seeming ingrate was doing was calling attention to the fact that he wasn't being treated like a guest.

I think that is why you don't hear more Christians talk about the poor. We're simultaneously too guilt-stricken and too clueless. We think that dropping off a bag of faded, smelly B.U.M Equipment t-shirts at Goodwill and donating 3 cans of wax beans and a box of some unpopular flavor of Tuna Helper to the local food bank qualifies us to be mentioned in the same breath as Mother Teresa. We know this isn't true, but we still throw our scraps and castoffs at people who need real help and pretend like we've done something meaningful. The presence--even the very thought--of the actual poor in our midst just serves to remind us that we're not doing as much as we could to help them, and we're not treating them like the children of God they actually are.

It was cool to talk about the poor during the Great Society days, the last time that issues of poverty really captivated the imagination of Christian thinkers. We've moved on, leaving just one more sad legacy of how our hearts just aren't capacious enough to love others the way God loves them--and us. Finitum non capax infiniti and all that, but still, where would we be if God did just enough to keep us alive, instead of treating us like his beloved? I don't think it's too much to ask that the Spaghetti of Christian Charity comes with plenty of Parmesan cheese.

2003-05-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

REGRETTABLE HEADLINES

My friend Steve from The Temperate Zone has caught a wildly inappropriate headline from the Washington Post, dated 11/23/1963. Go read it, and ponder what he ponders.

2003-05-11T16:32:00.000-05:00

IF THIS IS TRUE, I GUESS I'M OFFICIALLY 'SHOCKED'

WOI-TV reports that Steve McClain will not be the next Iowa State basketball coach. No further details at this time, but speculation is that Jeff Lebo may get the job. That won't sit well with Sean Keeler, who thinks Lebo is a little too much like Hawkeye coach Steve Alford.

There's nothing more that's solid on the Ennis Haywood story. A couple sad rumors, but that's all.

Update!

They were certainly sad, but they weren't rumors. Haywood passed away sometime during the day today; no immediate cause of death is known. As you might imagine, the Cyclone Nation is very depressed tonight, considering all the crap they've been through in the past two weeks. This Hawkeye feels for them.

2003-05-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

DUBUQUE: 'ZESTY RIVERTOWN'

Or at least so says the Des Moines Register. I've been to Dubuque a few zillion times. It's a nice enough place, not deserving of its rough-and-tumble "armpit of Iowa" reputation, but "zesty" is not a word I'd use to describe it. Now, East Dubuque, that's a zesty place. But, of course, that's in Illinois.

Really, though, there's a lot of nice residential architecture in Dubuque, and the view from the Mississippi River bluffs is cool. But no Iowa landscape can compare with the Loess Hills of western Iowa, where I plan to hang my hat someday. Go to the link in the previous sentence and click through the gallery . . . you'll understand why.

Update!

You can see more pictures from the Loess Hills here, here, here, here, and here. Enjoy.

2003-05-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

MORE SAD NEWS FOR CYCLONES

The Dallas Morning News is reporting today that former Cyclone running back Ennis Heywood is on life support in a Dallas-area hospital after he stopped breathing yesterday morning. I'd link to the story, but the DMN requires registration to use its website, and I don't go for that.

2003-05-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

SOMETHING YOU WON'T READ IN TV GUIDE ANY TIME SOON

8 PM (Fox) Cops: Cedar Rapids, Iowa: officers investigate a report about a man who lives on the odd-numbered side of the street watering his lawn on an even-numbered day; an elderly woman doesn't like the looks of some teenagers.

2003-05-10T20:12:00.000-05:00

THE HOT NEW CITY OF THE 21st CENTURY?

According to the Des Moines Register, it's Omaha. Yes, that Omaha.

2003-05-10T09:53:00.000-05:00

WEEKEND? FEH. I SPIT AT THE WEEKEND!

Crimony, I'm busier today than I ever am during the week. Don't expect much out of me until tonight, when I'll need to decompress.

2003-05-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

BY THE WAY . . .

. . . yes, I've finally discovered the "blockquote" HTML tag. This site should get easier to read now. Weill, at least the parts I didn't write, anyway.

2003-05-09T19:44:00.000-05:00

TMQ PROVIDES A HOOPS-BASED LAGNIAPPE

Bonus! An extra Tuesday Morning Quarterback column dealing with Michael Jordan and the way he was unceremoniously run off by the Washington Wizards. And, as usual, he's in the zone:

All the Washington rumors say Jordan was fired in order to appease the Wizards' other players, who thought MJ was holding them back and hogging the limelight. Jordan was hogging the limelight. But to think of it: Washington has fired the greatest player in the history of the sport, and the man who single-handedly sold out the MCI Center for two years, in order to appease the other Wizards players. To appease a bunch of listless good-for-nothing losers who, next year, will be listless good-for-nothing losers, only before much smaller audiences.

Ouch. Read the whole thing; he's got his usual bits of trivia at the end. (Does that remind anybody else of the little bits of fried fish dip you used to get at Long John Silvers?)

2003-05-09T19:14:00.000-05:00

IN THE ELEVENTH HOUR

Out of nowhere comes a new name as a possible Larry Eustachy replacement: Tennessee-Chattanooga coach Jeff Lebo, a former Tarheel. Fresno State's Ray Lopes, who played the Harvey Keitel Pulp Fiction role for Jerry Tarkanian, has withdrawn, leaving just Lebo, Steve McClain, and Wayne Morgan as candidates. Expect an announcement Sunday night or Monday morning; I'll be very shocked if it's anybody other than McClain.

They're gonna regret looking past Carroll and Sundvold, though.

2003-05-09T16:19:00.000-05:00

A HELPFUL NOTE TO THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY

If, say, you're a waitperson at a restaurant, and say, if one of your soups on the menu that day happens to be split-pea soup, and if, say, a customer should happen to order said soup, when you bring it to the table, it is best not to say, "Who had the bowl of pea?". There is, after all, more than one way to understand that sentence.

2003-05-09T13:49:00.000-05:00

THE ONION MAKES ME LAUGH

While they haven't been living up to their usual standards lately, The Onion is back in its old form in this piece about a horrible tragedy striking Chicagoland. To say more would be to give it away.

2003-05-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

A HELPFUL NOTE TO THE BLOGWORLD

I know it's fashionable to think of poor Blogspotters like me as being stuck in the AOL of the blogworld, but this stuff about Blogger permalinks not working just is not true. They work fine; you just have to manually republish your archive every once in a while. Like every time you write something trenchant that you think people might be interested in linking to. And if that ever happens here, you'll be the first to know.

2003-05-09T09:20:00.000-05:00

FIVE FOR FRIDAY

Once again, here's the Friday Five:

1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?

Semi-organized. There's a cloud of chaos continually surrounding me, but seldom do I lose or forget something completely.

2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?

Yes. I've learned the hard way not to be without it. I used to have a giant 9x12 DayRunner, but now I'm down to a pocket-sized organizer. It's all I really need.

3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?

They're redoing my office, so for the next two weeks, I don't even have a desk. So I guess I'd have to say "yes."

4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?

No. I organize them by genre, which, if you think about it, is a much more logical scheme. I often think to myself, "I'd like to hear some laid-back music," but I never think, "I want to hear something by an artist whose name starts with 'C'."

5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?

Coordinating all the necessary arrangements for two funerals in the same day while my boss was on vacation. I went home and slept 13 hours that night.

2003-05-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

TALENT DESERVING WIDER RECOGNITION

Real Live Preacher has been en fuego recently, and if you're not reading him, you're missing out on some great writing. Today he's talking about visiting a house built with some creative carpentry. Go read, I'll wait for you to come back.

2003-05-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

COMING DOWN THE EUSTACHY-GONE TUBE

WOI-TV, which I remember from back when it was still in Ames, still owned by Iowa State, and Betty Lou was still in "The House with the Magic Window," reports on some Iowa State coaching candidates who may or may not be receiving serious consideration. They are reporting that Dana Altman has told Cy to buzz off.

Most interesting rumor: former Clone stars Jeff Grayer and Barry Stevens are lobbying for one of them to be made head coach and the other to be made a top assistant. No word on which would be what. Grayer and Stevens were big Clone hoopsters in the early-to-mid 80s. To give you some sense of perspective, they both played with Jeff Hornacek. Both Grayer and Stevens have NBA playing experience, and both are currently coaching in the CBA, Grayer with the Great Lakes Storm, and Stevens with the Gary Steelheads. But neither has any college coaching experience.

I've said my piece about who ought to get the job. Look for it to be given to Wyoming's Steve MacClain in the next few days.

2003-05-08T18:57:00.000-05:00

PRICELESS UPDATE

Mike Shula to Bama. It's a done deal.

2003-05-08T18:54:00.000-05:00

"THE VOICE" TO GO SILENT

Pat Summerall is leaving Fox's NFL coverage. For many years part of the #1 broadcast team with John Madden, Summerall found himself demoted to working with the rarely-insightful Brian Baldinger last season. Summerall says he's had enough; he'd rather stay home now, but he might be willing to do local work for the Dallas Cowboys.

Summerall is the voice of the NFL in many ways (John Facenda is in many others), and the game sounds different without him. His economy of words left plenty of room for the action on the screen, and he never really betrayed any bias. He'll be missed.

Still, my favorite NFL play-by-play guy is and probably always will be Charlie Jones.